The Pilfering Puppeteer
by Roukanken
Summary: The Butterfly Dream Pill has lost its effectiveness, leaving Alice Margatroid with a crippling insomnia. There's one alternative that'll get her the rest she needs, but it's not exactly legal...


"Could Miss Margatroid please come to the doctor's office?"

A small earth rabbit came out of the corridor, carrying a clipboard half as tall as she was. Alice pushed herself out of her seat, giving the bunny a pat on the head before walking out of the waiting room. It was always the grunts you had to be nice to, she'd learned; they were the ones who could screw you over at a moment's notice. When she was face to face with the doctor, she planned to be a good deal less polite.

The office was as she remembered it - neat to the point of aggravation. Every perfectly clean surface, each shelf filed without a page out of place, a variety of well-preserved medical textbooks on display. Cleanliness was Eirin's way of demonstrating her superiority. She was a brilliant doctor, always trying her best for her patient, but she still had to make them feel beneath her somehow.

"Good morning, Alice." Eirin looked away from her file with a too-well-rehearsed spin of her chair. "How can I help you to-oh."

Alice knew her expression did the talking for her. The rings around her eyes had somehow found a shade even darker than black, and keeping them open was an effort of its own. Shanghai was slumped on her shoulder, the doll lightly snoring as as she tried to make up for her master's deficit.

"You get three guesses," she said. "And the first two don't count."

Sleep was something Alice had struggled with for several years now. Technically, as a magician, her body no longer needed it, but after years as a human she was so accustomed to it that she'd never been able to stop. It was more of a psychological issue than a physical one, and her long work days only exasperated the problem.

"Hmm. That's unfortunate." Eirin read over Alice's file again. "You haven't stopped taking the pills I prescribed, have you?"

"Oh, no. I've been taking your medicine nightly, as suggested." Alice folded her arms. "The problem is it isn't working anymore."

"Isn't working?" Eirin's face scrunched up. "I find that hard to believe. The Butterfly Dream Pill shouldn't have any side effects. As you sure you haven't lost a batch and you're just too proud to admit it?"

Alice clenched her jaw. Her insomnia was enough of a problem without this doctor making things worse. Would it kill this woman to admit she'd made a mistake for once?

"I'll put it simply," Alice said. "I took the pill and went to sleep. Instead of the usual dream where I'm flying around as a butterfly, I was stuck in the Lunar Capital with everyone around me yelling that I was 'impure'. This has been happening for over a week now, so it's not just coincidence."

"Yes, but-" Eirin's eyes dilated. "Oh. I see."

"What is it? Do you know what's happening?"

"It's a long story." Eirin threw the case file onto the shelf, where it made a perfect landing amongst the other documents. "The Butterfly Dream Pill takes you to a specific area of the Dream World to make sure the dream you have is predictable and comfortable. Unfortunately, the Dream World is..." The doctor tugged at her collar. "Slightly occupied at the moment."

"Occupied?" Alice rubbed at her temples. "Is this something to do with that lunar incident Marisa dealt with a few weeks ago?"

"That's correct. The problem's been resolved, but it will still take some time for the Lunarians to make their way out of the Dream World." Eirin cleared her throat. "So it's not the fault of my medicine, you understand. It's just unfortunate circumstances that have rendered it ineffective."

For a brief moment, Alice considered punching the doctor square in the face. She decided it wouldn't end well. There were still a few dozen rabbits between her and the exit, after all.

"I don't care whose fault it is," she said, pausing to yawn. "I just want an alternative so I can get some rest."

"An alternative?" Eirin put a hand on her chin. "Hmm. Now that I think about it, there is one substance that might help you."

The doctor pulled a massive encyclopedia from the bookshelf at her side. Fluttering through the pages, she came to a firm stop at the exact point she was looking for. She held the page up to Alice, holding the book like a mother telling her child a bedtime story.

"There's a little-known herb called slumberweed," Eirin said, pointing to a large illustration of it in the book. "It's a common remedy used by the merfolk for sleep issues. You won't have any pleasant dreams, but it'll do a good job of knocking you out."

"Perfect," Alice said. "How much for a month's supply?"

"I'm afraid I don't have any in stock." Eirin closed the book with a shake of her head. "The merpeople are quite protective of their ingredients, you see. People who ask for samples tend to get threatened with large tridents. You'll have to procure this slumberweed on your own."

"But you just said that they wouldn't hand it over."

"I never said you had to get their permission." Eirin smirked. "But maybe a few samples the mermaids in the Misty Lake are cultivating could...disappear. And one of them might even find its way onto my desk."

Alice felt her shoulders tense. "Eirin, are you telling me to steal something for you?"

"Heavens, no. I only made a hypothetical assumption." Eirin leaned closer. "But if you WERE to bring me one of these herbs, perhaps I could concoct a new medicine from it. And that would be to both of our benefits, would it not?"

Alice gnashed her teeth. If Eirin wanted her help, she could have at least been more upfront about it. Besides that, the thought of stealing something left her uneasy; not because she was a stickler for the law, but rather because it was the sort of thing she'd imagine Marisa doing. True magicians like her were supposed to be above plundering their ingredients.

But if her options were betraying her ideals or continuing her sleepless streak, she'd go for the former any day.

"Wake up, Shanghai." Alice brushed her hand along the doll's back, beckoning her awake with a few strokes. "We've got some hardcore planning to do."

* * *

In retrospect, maybe Alice had overdone it a little.

She'd retreated to her cottage with a simple plan - put together a water-breathing charm so she could infiltrate the academy. Any magician worth their salt could come up with that kind of spell in five minutes. That should have been the only preparation she needed.

But what about her clothes? She liked her dress, and she didn't want it to get soaked. She could strip down to her undergarments, but not only would that be shameful she'd likely freeze to death. She'd have to make an outfit that would shield her against the cold. And something so she could move faster, and something else to keep the water out of her eyes...

Before she knew it, her mundane preparations had turned into a full-blown project. The more she worked, the more she found to work on. Her fatigue pushed her into a dreamlike euphoria, striking her with inspiration she'd never have found when she was awake. She even made contact with Marisa's kappa friend to put on the final touches.

When the night of the heist came, Alice was more than ready. She arrived at the lake moments after sundown, changing in the bushes while Shanghai stood lookout for passing lechers. She'd have changed in the comfort of her home, but flying around in this might garner some strange looks. And the specifics of her outfit made walking...difficult.

"I really hope I get more than one use out of this thing..."

Alice emerged a few minutes later in what she could only call a mermaid suit. The silky fabric was a baby blue-shade, covering her whole body while holding her legs in the shape of a mermaid's tail. Extra fins on the back of her arms gave her an extra layer of aerodynamics. Nitori's help with the schematics had been invaluable, and after a few minutes practice she was confident she could keep up with a mermaid in the water.

"Ready, Shanghai?"

The doll saluted at her master's command. Alice had taken the time to tweak Shanghai as well, giving her a mermaid tail of her own so the pair matched. She hugged a flashlight with both hands, ready to guide her master's path through the water.

"Alright, then." Alice pulled her dive mask down over her eyes and murmured an incantation. "Let's go steal some plants."

The cold struck her almost as soon as she submerged. Her suit's inbuilt heat charms took a second to kick in. The sensation was like huddling up in front of a warm fire, and immediately she knew she'd made the right call taking her time on this project. The Quest To Get Some Goddamn Sleep was not one she would pursue half-heartedly.

"Hrrrm." Once she was sure the water-breathing charm worked as intended, Alice turned her attention to the lakebed. "If the map I found was accurate, it should be in this vicinity..."

She blindly swam deeper, hoping her intuition was on the mark. Shanghai dutifully pointed her torch for her master, but the light was obviously too weak to make much impact. It took a few minutes of descent before the landscape became visible to any degree - and thankfully, her destination was kind enough to light itself up for her.

St. Triton's Academy For The Magically Talented was the only academic institution the mermaids of Gensokyo had. From what Alice had read it was quite a cushy place to work, and the view from a distance certainly gave that impression. Warm lights still drifted around the dormitories, keeping young students from fumbling around in the dark. The school itself had the mystical quality she expected, the currents humming with lingering magic.

It wasn't the school itself she was interested in, though. She dolphin-kicked around the grounds, locking her eyes on the apothecary behind the main building. This was where they grew the plants and ingredients needed for their spells. It looked almost like a greenhouse, its glass windows doing nothing to hide the valuable catalysts being stored within.

The most surprising thing was how simple it all looked. The entrance hung ajar, and a quick check showed there weren't any protective wards on the grounds. There was nothing stopping Alice from stepping inside and pilfering everything she pleased.

"If people are this careless with their goods, it's no wonder Marisa makes such a killing."

Alice slipped through the hole, Shanghai flopping along behind her. She was met a variety of with stacked shelves and questionable sorting methods. Tiny scraps of paper gave the names of each of the samples, but they seemed to have been laid out in no particular order.

The puppeteer sighed. For once, she missed Eirin's obsessive cleanliness. With no clue where to look, she'd have to search every aisle until she found what she needed. She started skimming through the collection, looking for anything that resembled what she'd seen in the illustration.

Her leisurely searching was interrupted by another voice.

"...Stupid detention work..."

Someone grumbled to themselves three aisles away. Alice instinctively ducked into a side aisle, pressing herself into the wall and slowing her breathing.

"Shanghai." She whispered to her doll. "Kill the light."

Shanghai nodded, fumbling to turn off the flashlight. The waters were dark and murky, making Alice almost impossible to make out from her hiding spot.

 _Of course there's a guard_ , she thought to herself. _Nothing ever gets to be easy for me._

It took a few minutes for the warden to saunter past. It was a young mermaid in school robes, clutching a lantern as she swung it along the empty aisles. Her pale red scales matched her hair, tied into twintails with small star clips. She rubbed at her eyes with a tiredness that felt painfully familiar to Alice.

"Why'd they even give me this job, anyway?" The girl muttered to herself as she went about her work. "They could've just set up a sentry ward, but nooo, it's gotta be a manned post. It's like they don't want me to get any sleep."

Alice had to feel for the girl. In any other scenario she'd have chastised the school for working her to such a limit. As it was, though, Alice was grateful that the one guard on patrol wasn't at her best.

"Shanghai." She whispered another order as the mermaid moved on. "Head left."

There was a brief shuffling before the doll tilted her head.

"My left IS your left, Shanghai."

Shanghai gasped, then followed along behind her mistress. They'd have to move carefully to avoid detection, and they couldn't use the flashlight without giving themselves away. Alice was forced to squint at barely-visible labels, hoping she found what she needed before her eyes broke from the exertion.

"Is this it?" Alice grabbed a jar from the shelf, trying to discern its contents. She could make out some sort of plant inside, but it was hard to tell any more than that. She pulled the lid open, hoping she'd get a better view.

It soon became clear that what she'd grabbed was in fact a mandragora seedling.

"SCREEEEEE!"

The creature yelled the moment Alice unscrewed the lid. After she'd finished reeling she hastily undid her work and shoved the jar back onto the shelf.

"Eh? What was that?"

The mermaid guard swerved out of her patrol route, her sloshing strokes drawing closer and closer. Alice panicked, pressing herself into the tiny gap between the shelf and the wall, pulling in Shanghai along with her. She concealed herself just in time for the mermaid's lantern to illuminate the spot where she'd been.

"Hmmm." The mermaid swam over to the mandragora, poking at the glass bottle once or twice. "Guess I'm hearing things."

Alice sighed with relief. That had been a close one. Now all she'd have to do is keep quiet, and the trouble would be past-

 _Oh no._

Alice felt something welling in her throat. Something she REALLY couldn't afford to let out at a time like this. She tried to force it down, but every moment she spent looking at the sleepy sentry made her urge ever stronger.

As she saw the girl open her mouth, the desire became too strong to resist.

"...Haaaaah..."

Alice let out the loudest yawn she'd ever given in her life. Given her lack of rest, it was a totally natural reaction.

It was also the worst thing she could have done.

"Eh?" The mermaid swung her lantern in the direction of the noise. "Hey, you! What're you doing here?!"

 _Crap._ Alice cursed under her breath. Now things were going to get unpleasant. She swung around to the other side of the shelf, hoping the gap between them would buy her some time.

She was wrong.

"Respirus Disparus!"

The mermaid called out an incantation Alice didn't recognise. It didn't take her long to realise its effect, as the slits across her throat faded away.

She couldn't breathe.

"Mmmgllb!"

Alice cupped a hand around her mouth. She tried to reset the water-breathing charm, but the magic shorted out along her fingers.

"A-HA!" The mermaid swooped over the shelf, her arms folded as she hung upside-down. "Only an air-breather would be stupid enough to rob us. Bet you feel real dumb now, huh?"

Alice felt her air trickling out of her lips. Of course the mermaids would have a spell to dispel her water-breathing charm. It was an obvious counterspell she should have seen coming a mile away.

Luckily, she had.

 _Now!_

Alice put her free hand behind her back. Ultimately it didn't matter where, as long as no-one could see it. She focused her mind, imagining her inventory, bringing out the item she needed most right now. She closed her hand around cold metal.

"Eh?" The mermaid tilted her head. "What're you doing?"

Alice responded by revealing what she'd pulled from beyond the ether. It was a simple handheld rebreather, another extra Nitori had thrown in with the suit. She promptly bit down on it, savouring the taste of oxygen.

"H-Hey, that's cheating!" The student went red in the face. "You didn't have that before!"

"You're right."

The mermaid blinked. "Eh? Who said that?"

"Me, silly."

Shanghai waved for the girl's attention, Alice's voice coming from her lips. The puppeteer couldn't speak with the rebreather on, so she had to settle for some ventriloquism.

"I pulled this from a pocket dimension of mine," Shanghai continued. "Did you really think I wasn't ready for a simple counterspell? No wonder you got stuck with the midnight shift."

The mermaid's face scrunched up, like she was on the verge of throwing a fit. "You stupid air-breathers with your no-good loopholes!"

"Besides, aren't you being a bit forward?" Alice and Shanghai shrugged shamefully in unison. "We have a process for settling disputes here in Gensokyo. Even larceny."

The student stared into space for a few seconds. Alice could see the two cogs in her brain clicking together before she finally gasped in realisation.

"Oh, right!" The girl pointed her wand at Alice like an accusing finger. "I, Meredy Prometheus, challenge you to a spellcard duel!"

"That's more like it." Alice gave her opponent the tiniest bow she could manage. "I, Alice Margatroid, accept your challenge. If you defeat me, I'll turn myself in."

"You mean WHEN I defeat you." Meredy smirked. "One spellcard each?"

"Sure, but I won't need to use mine." Shanghai said. "I assume you only HAVE one spellcard?"

"Ye-" The girl opened her mouth, then jammed it shut. "I mean, what gives you that idea?"

The doll giggled. "Mainly because you look about as threatening as a stage 1 midboss."

Alice could see the vein popping out on the mermaid's forehead. All according to plan, of course - an angry opponent tended to make more mistakes.

"You're gonna regret pissing me off, understand?" Meredy squeezed at her wand, its tip glowing red. "I'm the best duelist St. Triton's ever seen!"

Alice rolled her eyes. She idly wondered what sort of bullets this girl would go for. Something scale-themed, maybe? Marisa had fought a mermaid like that once. That fight had been a pushover, so she couldn't imagine this girl would be-

"Fire Sign [Sauna Shooter]!"

A bellowing fireball flew from the tip of Meredy's wand, aimed right at Alice's chest. The puppeteer barely had time to dodge, rolling to the side as the attack slammed into the shelf behind her. She hoped nobody had been using that mandragora.

"What the hell is that?!" Shanghai yelled.

"Oh, the fire?" Meredy brushed her hair away. "That's my speciality. No-one sees it coming."

"That's not what I meant!" Alice shot the mermaid a glare. "That's not what danmaku is meant to look like!"

"Says who?" Meredy puffed out her chest. "So what if it's not slow or pretty? All that matters is if it works!"

She sent another barrage of fireballs in Alice's direction, her attacks lacking in depth or complexity. It was a fighting style that was familiar in the worst possible way.

And as basic as the strategy was, it had its merits. Alice hadn't seen bullets this fast since she fought the newspaper tengu. There wasn't enough room between shelves to dodge and counterattack at the same time, so she was locked on the defensive. Meredy's attacks flew left and right, setting shelves alight and consuming their contents.

"You realise you're burning down the building you're meant to be protecting, right?" Shanghai hung close to Meredy, continuing her emotional assault. "What're your teachers going to think when they find out?"

Meredy puffed out her cheeks. "I'll just tell them you did it! Then they'll give me a medal for defending the school for the rotten air-breather menace!"

Alice had started to tune out the girl's voice at this point. She wasn't in any danger, but the longer this fight lasted the more damage the apothecary would suffer. If her precious slumberweed was destroyed, the whole heist would have been for nothing.

"Fine." Alice hid her hand, reaching into her pocket dimension. "I'll show you what a real spellcard looks like."

Her hand closed around familiar cloth and thread. Ducking under another fireball she pounced forward in the water, her mermaid tail propelling her with incredible speed.

"Magic Sign [Artful Sacrifice]!"

She flung her doll forward, aimed at Meredy's chest, then curved upwards toward the ceiling. The doll released a small wave of bullets, forcing Meredy to focus on it instead of its user.

"What's this?" The mermaid chuckled. "As if some crummy puppet is gonna stop me!"

She pointed her wand at the puppet, its tip flashing a brilliant white before a giant flame emerged from it. The doll was rapidly engulfed, its attack powerless against the fire's might.

"See?" Meredy smiled. "Easy as-"

 **BOOOOOOOM.**

Alice was smart enough to cover her ears before the explosion. Meredy was less fortunate, standing point blank as the doll erupted in its own fanfare of fire and bullets. The mermaid was blown back into the wall, half a dozen bullets hitting her before she could recover. With a pop, the flames she'd thrown around the room vanished into nothing, their lingering power flowing into Alice. She felt the nullification spell fade away, and took the chance to reapply her water breathing charm.

"Spellcard captured." As she pulled off her rebreather, Alice wore a catlike grin. "Now that I have your co-operation, could you please tell me where you keep your slumberweed?"

Meredy was slumped on the floor, her tail flapping around incessantly. She was a girl with serious authority issues, that much Alice had already determined. But at least she seemed to respect the spellcard rules.

"Down there," she grumbled. "Third shelf to your left."

"Thank you."

Alice swam over to the shelf in question, moving casually now the threat had passed. She found the plant held in a small glass tank, too large to carry back to the surface herself. She settled for sending it to her pocket dimension instead, where she'd retrieve it from when she made it home.

"Still, I wasn't expecting to get in a fight," Alice said as she returned to Meredy. "I didn't think you merfolk cared for combat magic."

"We don't," Meredy muttered, hugging at her tail. "They don't even teach us self-defense at St. Triton's. It's all the boring stuff like transmutation and fortune telling."

"That's...that's disgraceful." Alice frowned. "A curriculum without anything life threatening? You'll never make a good magician with a plan like that."

"I know, right?!" Meredy popped up, suddenly struck with enthusiasm. "I had to look this all up myself, y'see? Normally only the royals get to make spellcards, but I figured out how to make one by myself! All the teachers say I'm a troublemaker, but you understand me, right?"

Alice looked back at the smouldering wreck the apothecary had become. She considered saying something particularly cruel, but she'd already had enough drama for today.

"You..." She paused, trying to find a compliment that wasn't outright false. "You have potential, I suppose? But you're lacking in control, finesse, tact, and just about everything else."

By Alice's standards, a statement like that was relatively merciful. Meredy looked like she'd been stabbed, but moments later she was grabbing at Alice's arm.

"Hey! You're a magician, right?" The mermaid's eyes lit up. "Do you do tutoring? I wanna learn how to fight like you do!"

"I don't take apprentices," Alice replied. "Whatever price you're offering, I'm not interested."

"But, but..." Meredy stammered for a moment, then gasped. "That's right! I can get you all the slumberweed you want! Even that sample you stole is gonna run out eventually, right?"

"Yes, but that's why I'm sending a sample to-"

 _To a pharmacist who I really can't stand,_ Alice thought to herself. One who'd undoubtedly pat herself on the back in spite of Alice doing all the work. One who'd charge ludicrous prices for a drug that was a replacement for a mistake she'd never admit to making.

Alice had gone into this assuming she had no choice but to play along. But maybe there was a way she could get what she needed while giving Eirin the middle finger she so desperately deserved.

"Hmm." Alice thought over the plan for a while longer before responding. "Actually, I think we can make that work."

"Really?!" Meredy's tail began to flap again. "So you'll give me one-on-one training?"

"Not quite," Alice said. "I have another idea in mind."

* * *

"Is that a lesson plan?"

Marisa looked over the documents on Alice's desk with a scratch of her head. Alice was impressed she'd bothered to learn any form of magical notation, even if this was designed for absolute beginners.

"It is, yes." Alice kept a grip on the paper so Marisa wouldn't get any ideas. "I've taken up a side job teaching at St. Triton's."

"St. Triton's?" Marisa furrowed her brow. "That upstuck merfolk academy?"

"Apparently, they had a break-in rather recently," Alice said, her voice calm and neutral from hours of rehearsal. "Lots of their ingredients and catalysts got stolen or destroyed. So they wanted a teacher to help the students learn self-defense."

"Huh." The witch pondered for a moment, then smiled. "How much are they paying you?"

"I'm not being paid, actually," Alice replied, underlining an important passage for later. "Not in money, at least. But it's something much more valuable than that."

"Valuable?" Marisa rubbed her hands together. "Then you won't mind if I-"

"Sorry, I'm not allowed to share it." Alice shook a finger. "Part of the contract. Hope you understand."

"Boo." Marisa pouted. "You're no fun, Alice."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

Alice couldn't hide the extra life in her voice. She'd slept soundly for a week now, and it felt like she'd been reborn. All she had to do was give some pointers three days a week, and she'd get all the slumberweed she'd ever need.

Her sleep was back to normal. She didn't need to worry about her hard-made suit going unused. And most importantly, she'd screwed over that goddamn Lunarian.

"Haah..." Marisa yawned, pulling her hat down over her eyes. "I think I'm gonna go take a nap. Was up late last night working on some new potions."

"You do that," Alice said with a smirk. "I've got work to do."


End file.
